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A day of pent-up, excited, damaged nerves - The Monkey Files

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April 13th, 2007

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10:56 am - A day of pent-up, excited, damaged nerves

I challenge anyone to drive to work in a Dinkycento with Lipps Inc's Funky Town blasting out of the boogie box, the windows down and the sun streaming in and arrive not feeling amused by life. After 6 months on the throne, our esteemed CEO has upset enough people to believe he merits a bulletproof (ok I have no proof for that!) 4x4 Mafia Merc with blackout rear windows. Every time I see him drive into the car park I have to suppress the urge to email him and ask whether he has considered personalising the numberplate. W4NK3R would be my suggestion.

Could someone please explain to me the point of facebook. My future sister in law invited me to join so I did, because I want to show her that I see her as a friend and recognise that she's making an effort. Suddenly people who I have not communicated with for about 4 years come out of the woodwork and listing me as a friend. I think, 'ooh unexpected, random, fair enough', send them messages and get no response. Aside from the fact that I'm really struggling at the moment with people, unintentionally as far as I can see, bringing up extremely painful memories, it just seems like facebook generates a kind of contest to be seen with the longest list of friends. This is tragic! I've swallowed my pride, messaged people as if we've been bosom buddies all these years and for what end? One of my workmates was haranguing me all of yesterday about taekwondo and whether I could teach him some moves. After protesting feebly that we were in the middle of a semi-serious office (by semi I mean half the office are having a major grump about months of uncertainty and the other half are doing cock-a-hoop laps of honour before they leave for better jobs), I decided to silence him with some club photos on the internet. There were all my old friends and my instructors busting incredible moves, there were the guys listing me on facebook and then blanking me, there was a huge chapter of my life that had been brutally ripped out of my story. My workmate kept asking why I didn't train now and I said it was because I had moved down here, which is partly true because I can't find a club in the same fed down here. I'm not afraid of dropping a few belts and working up again. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realised how much has happened since I stopped training and why I stopped training and why I was too ashamed to talk to people at the club and why I feel they abandoned me and why I feel thrown by the facebook listings. One of the 5 tenets of taekwondo is indomitable spirit. Try being dependent on a wheelchair for 6 months, try spending the subsequent 4 months in a psych hospital, try losing a unique scholarship in the field you desperately want to work in, try having one of your new best mates kill himself just as you attempt to live on your own again, try putting some kind of life back together after all that, knowing that you are an embarrassment to everyone and everything you did before.

I wrote a song (I haven't got my notebook here) to calm myself down about how I'm happy if I don't worry about tomorrow, I don't drag up yesterday and I just make the most of today. Cheesy maybe, but it was a kind of affirmation to myself. I am ok, I have done well, I have fun, I have found different old and new interests to enjoy, God loves me and I don't need to worry- indeed it is futile to worry- how or why people remember me.

I'm making my first bid on eBay this week and getting in rather a pickle! Not sure I've got the whole strategy thing sorted out yet. Keep thinking I've made a cunning move- like I checked the other buyers' bid histories and soon sorted the big boys from the wannabes and saw who had bought similar things in the past and was evidently going all-out to make a collection. Then I get overexcited and bid again too soon. It doesn't close until Sunday night so there's 2 more nervewracking days of games and second-guessing! It's a considerably rare book so it's worth putting a little more in than I've currently bid, but I know in the face of buying a house and car that rare books are hardly a priority purchase. I don't mean to covet, but it's really, really tricky!

Current Mood: amusedDinkycento-tastic

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